Writings

Muy Fragil


Before, in another time of our lives when we were summer living in our Ford transit, a much smaller version of our current big motor home, that we transformed into our very own mini love nest, had a sticker just on top of where we slept that said:"Muy fragil". That is how we felt sleeping on the streets and beaches of southern Spain. Naked and vulnerable with only a metal wall separating us from the predators in our minds.
And we were, God knows there's plenty of risk involved living a life less sheltered, but we were young and reckless full of dreams of freedom and truth so we never had any difficulties pushing on as we felt to some degree invincible since we had been bestowed the immeasurable gift of finding true love in the other.
The fragility we felt then was to some degree muffled by a sense of being able to honeymoon our way through life.
Now the honeymoon sensation of invulnerability has long passed, aging and the more present notion of mortality, has placed me in a different station and fragility is now felt more on an internal, intimate level. It's mostly present in my permanent life choices such choosing living in a very real partnership, and of course motherhood. Being a parent is a position more vulnerable than any other adventure life offers. My main concern has transferred, from my own safety and happiness to the safety and happiness of my girl who no matter what I do, will hurt, suffer and be at risk in this big sometimes ruthless world.

There are times when I feel completely helpless facing the us fathomable feeling of vulnerability that is involved in loving so much. I know in the Buddhist tradition such love with it's possessive quality, is labeled attachment. And yes it is. I wouldn't dare pretend it is not. Attachment in it's fullest, most dramatic form. Even though I am fully understanding the disadvantages of attachment intellectually, I have chosen to live a life in the midst of it, strong attachment to Igor strong attachment to Iomi.

Just re-saw a movie called "The next three days", which brought about this topic of attachment and it' inherent fragility. I cried my way through most of the movie, especially the more dramatic scenes when there are choices that need to be made are with stakes so high that you face possibly being separated with your loved ones for the rest of your life. Made my whole being tremble just imagining what that would be like and touched upon my own fragility around the subject. The fragility of caring so deeply that the mere thought of not being with them is unbearable at best, that is what we get as part of the deal when we choose loving fully, and that is "Muy Fragil, way more so than living in a van...


But I am in it for the whole ride, for the sorrow that will inevitably come when Iomi leaves the nest. The heart crush if something would ever happen to her or Igor. The choice to love is irrevocable and my GPS is set to keep growing that love, so I keep cultivating the courage to live with my eyes wide open and a broken but strong heart, because to love is to risk, like the characters in the movie vividly experienced, and you need a strong heart to manage through the heartache of that risk, your eyes must be wide open to relate fully to that heartache is inevitable and you need to live with you heart just a little bit broken so the fragility that comes from loving so fully has space to breathe.


I once thought, that fragility indicated something weak, but now, feeling more fragile than ever, I see that it takes real strength to even recognize it, let alone accept it's presence.

 

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