Writings

My year part 2



To be shocked out of self pity oblivion was a very effective way to wake me up. He knows me, my husband...
I opened, examined, acknowledged, claimed full ownership, and then, moved on.

 

My year part 2
To be brutally honest with oneself is so relaxing, to just admit to the uncomfortable truth of one's qualities and ways, is a very efficient way to move towards peace, it's literally like taking a load off. And once the lid is opened, there is less pressure and things are allowed to flow. Whatever you resist, persists, When you let go it can flow
When I stopped complaining, there was suddenly space for clarity, I started contemplating my situation from all angles, tried to see the big picture of why and how and what I could do and I landed in 'practicing opening'.
I am like I described in the beginning of this blog, private. I'm not very social, don't chit chat much, and except to my family, close friends and students I don't share my vunerability with pepole. As I was examining my feelings during this period the situation pointed towards old issues of mistrust. Both in regards to the basic goodness of people, and my trust in life. Lack of trust in the process of life and lack of my own ability to handle it. Familiar sensations of old that came to the surface. Sensations of fear.
In this cornered life situation, there was no quick easy way to directly amend our circumstance, it would be a slow process. One thing I could do though, was to address that other target of my mistrust and open to others.

In both my opinion and my experience, those times when we feel trapped and like helpless victims of our situation there is usually a deeper held issue, something we're not seeing, not dealing with that has subconsciously gotten us here. If the issue is very uncomfortable, as issues are, we create thick layers of resistance around them that cloud clarity. This resistance has a stubborn, chewy, rubber like quality and sounds something like this:
'Why me, what did I do wrong, I haven't hurt anyone!' or: It's your fault, it's his fault, if it wasn't for this frogging god damn government, the euro, society and my childhood...!'
A soundtrack that in it's loudness make it difficult for us to become aware of the fact that ultimately it is not the situation but your reaction to it that feels bad. Those feelings that hoard in your body, knots of tension and numb hard areas are the sum of all that resistance, what those reactions feel like. That is suffering. And that's all you.
Both good and bad news I suppose, no convenient enemy to blame, but also full power to steer how you feel towards what happens in your life. Taking the drivers seat of your experience
I took the wheel, worked my yoga skills and kept opening to both the discomfort of our situation and towards my discomfort with people.

And then life happened, as it usually does when you give it some space and excercise patience. We were sponsored by a good friend and student to do a video project. I got asked to start teaching dance in Iomi's ballet school and went on stage again after an almost 10 years absence. Igor started teaching sports to the older kids in Iomi's school.
Life drew me in and managed to engage instead of repel with it's ups and downs and challenges.
Summer was crazy busy, we worked almost every day from June-September with only a brief 2 day break where we went to an all inclusive hotel in a town a few km away, where we were got plastic bracelets that entitled us to consume anything edible or drinkable within the limits of the hotel grounds. A very bizzare experience that I'm happy I had, am confused in my judgement of, and will probably never do again...
Summer was a time when I barely had time to eat some days, and my yoga practice exclusively consisted of anytime anyplace savasana, and that intelligent 're-setting of the machinery through conscious hibernation' saved both my body and my mind. But as tiring as it was, the relationship between my grey valleys and peaks had become more balanced and I had more good moments than moments of complaint.
The culmination of my year was probably the release of the videos. We had through practical and logistics difficulties, with a team where none of us had done anything like this, stumbled through the filming process. a bit paralyzed by the many possibilities. We came up with and discarded ideas at the same rate, and at the end we were left with a lot of footage but no real idea as how to make it amount to something. Thanks to our friend Victor's brilliant eye and our teaching/story telling narrative we managed to do something that felt good. The video threesome is a compact but accurate presentation of who we are and why we're doing this, and although one in hindsight could have done this or that, we're happy with them.
Mine felt meaningful, because I in the creation of that video married my resolve toward openess and love for yoga with that old passion for artistic expression. A passion that I left behind when I quit dancing professionally and didn't know how much I had missed.

We moved in to a house, and the relief of all those van practicalities and challenges has calmed us down, and we so appreciate having space again. We're so enjoying our new home and our beautiful family life. Iomi is reallly flourishing in this new scenario, and in the end that is really all we ever wish for.
The surprise of my year is what you are reading now, this blog and the fact that I mustered up the courage to do it. But funnily enough it felt like a natural step to take, one that was not at all as uncomfortable as I had imagined.
All in all it's been a hell of a year, an eye opener for me in so many respects. And here I am now, new years eve 2014. Will probably drink some champagne look at the stars and try to stay awake until midnight. The outside circumstance of this New year's eve will be very similar to last years simple celebration, but this year I feel different. Less anxious and more curious than excited about what next year will bring. I feel clearly older and probably look it as well. But I have grown, not necessarily up, but the confidence of knowing I am able to take full responsibility, even in fear and despair, has changed something for me.
I am looking forward to tonight, to look 2015 straight in the eye and with a smile tell her:
I am ready, bring it on...

Happy new year!
May you be happy and healthy. May you be free from suffering. May you feel Love.
May this year and all years to come be full of joy, peace, inspiration and moments of laughing so hard you almost pee yourself. May it surprise you, teach you, let you see beauty in all corners, and may it unfold with ease

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