Writings

The solitude in nature


It's late and I'm tired. My girl couldn't go to sleep this evening, just put her back to bed for the third time, seems the fullish moon is creating waves inside her mind, but while I was rocking her I fell asleep instead of her. Let me tell you, it's not a great idea to have a nap at 22 o clock at night, at least not if you want to produce something creative when waking up a couple of hours later.... But since this is part of my daily practice, something will come, even if today has already turned in to tomorrow.
The solitude in nature
So let's see..., my day has been varied as most are. Same range of feelings as any other day. Taught some classes, ate some food, nagged my husband a bit and got nagged in return, rediscovered cheerios with milk and banana and drove the Subaru for the first time. She's a great easy ride and looks like she can take the beating the many dirt roads here provide.

In the afternoon we tested her AWD skills, went to visit some friends who live in a yurt deep in the bush.
Was beautiful to be out in the heart of nature with absolutely no sound that didn't belong to bees or wind rustling in the greenery within miles, but even though this was breathtaking, a perfect, idyllic scenario I just know that that could never be me. The fact that I have stretched so far as to actually love living in a place where nature is predominant feels like a real victory, the fruit of my practice, to this previously hard core city girl, but I do think my line is drawn here. Am fully aware that one should never say never, but will say it anyway (and add a think for the you actually never know clause.) I think I will never live like so deeply nestled in nature. Too big of a distance to 'civilisation'. Would miss too much the regular sight of humans to feel for, to get curious about, to study and to silently judge.

The human landscape has always fascinated me, remember when I as a child upgraded my reading from fairy tales to more human depictions and for the first time got all those observations of people I had silently made confirmed, when I first really understood that we're all pretty damaged and crazy. It felt like such a relief, felt like a wasn't alone in my confusion. The city experience for me has at some basic level always kept me in touch with that sense of relief in not being alone, having pepole around has given me that same reassuring feeling of complicity and togetherness and being around, if not being with people was for many years essential, had moments when I reconnected with nature but was always happy to return to noise and chaos as a home base. I think the brutality of nature scares the shit out of me and am very thankful that I at least have matured to this point where I am calm enough to truly appreciate where I live, but to go to that place where I am alone with nature...definitely not there yet. I asked Iomi what she thought of the place, expecting fully that she would be lyrical about it, since she is by circumstance way more friends with the elements than I was at her age, so I got really surprised when she told me: 'It's very beautiful, but there's too much nature here, too green everywhere!'. Happily surprised I must admit. Feels comforting that her range of preference lies close to mine. That my prissy city self is not preventing her from living her ideal scenario.

Maybe the visit to nature in conjunction with the pulling moon got to her and that's why she couldn't sleep. Perhaps she like I, feels herself and her sense of solitude more acutely in nature and as she is growing older already has an understanding of and respect for that feeling of loneliness, being an only child, like I was. Or perhaps she has inherited my fascination for complexity and finds the clarity and simplicity of nature 'not enough'. Regardless of what seems to keep her sleepless this night, this nowadays only quasi urban yogi now has to cut this stream of thought short and join her upstairs and complete the nap with a good nights sleep. Good night.

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