To see the sun

Sitting in my parents house after a weekend beautifully spent in Nacka Yogastudio, where a group of yogis thirsty for knowledge, soaked up the practice and a little bit of what we've gathered so far from our years of practicing and teaching. It was as all these courses are a great experience, and the wonderful students all contributed to making our trip here and our work in general, feel meaningful and significant.
But this morning I woke up to the soundtrack of my own negativity, which is interesting since the the last two days were truly heartwarming.

A hangover of sorts I suppose. Born out of a combination of being here in the midst of the tranquility of my parents veranda knowing that we tomorrow are heading back to our own private 'warfear' of financial and existential uncertainty.
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the circumstance I call my life and am fully aware that it's a choice. Working 9-5 was never the tune that I wanted to live my life to and the adventurous lifestyle of not knowing still gets the explorer that is deeply embedded in my heart feel like that is the only choice that truly makes sense. But lately and especially today, this adventurer feels tired, old and frankly a bit fearful.

This dense mind state, which has the quality of making my brain search for those good old escape routes, is one that I think we all revisit more often as we age, and in the beginning of my yoga honeymoon I thought that it would eventually disappear with pranayama and twists. But it turns out that this mind cracking way of life makes me more acutely aware of how often it appears, since it brings light to what is really going on, to what I am honestly feeling. Adding perhaps a healthy dose of realism to my imaginative mind. And in reality I know that wherever I go, whichever sophisticated scenario I escape towards, my fears, worries and negativity come with me .

Makes me think of the title of one Pema Chodrons book: 'The wisdom of no escape', and yes I agree, understanding that there truly is no escape makes you wiser, but man, sometimes being wiser is such a pain in the ass.

Nothing to do but keep digging that trench and maybe one day find that buried treasure, or as in my case keep practicing, teaching, keeping it real and encouraging others to do the same and maybe one day find true peace in the uncertainty of my situation
Like I keep telling my students, my daughter, myself and you all, Never give up, life is simply too short to let that ominous soundtrack of fear and frustration rule our short and incredibly fortunate lives (and believe me, if you are reading this, you are one of those fortunate few) so I will keep tuning my instrument to the words of love, freedom and truth in sickness and health, even when the mind's cloudiness keeps me from seeing the sun.


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