Writings

Yoga binds


I have contend and sometimes wrestle with two very strong personality traits. One which is to do what we can refer to as 'the right thing', the other to not give a fuck, and although those traits have moved closer to understand and cooperate with one another, their struggle still sometimes sneaks up in my life. I occasionally have these days where I in the same sentence simultaneously want to save the world and on the other hand just give up. And both feel very genuine and honest.
Yoga binds
My conflict stems from my ability and or curse to hold two different views in equal esteem. When I was more bound to the rigor of right and wrong this was a source of great confusion, this of not knowing on what side of the fence I was on. Thankfully yoga dissolved some of this rigor and I no longer feel as bound to censor myself and my choices. This has allowed for considerable growth. But in the trail of choosing more independently, a different and for me new kind of pain arises, the insecurity of living without a safety net. I have moments sometimes periods, which Igor refers to as my 'Going back to Sweden' moments. When all I want is to crawl back in to the sweet embrace of a society with a wider parachute. When I feel insecure of my own abilities, life choices and sense of worth. I suppose it is a longing for being a child again, feeling taken care of. These moments seemlessly blend with the conviction of being in the right place at the right time feeling and makes life with me a pain in the ass, but as I say to Igor 'In my defense, at least it's never boring...'.

These longings for safety have surfaced lately and I think it has to do with Iomi growing up. I have no real compass when it comes to raising her under these circumstance where the scenery is completely different from where I grew up, and since none of our choices are based in what's supposed to be, what seems logical, we're out on the unchartered territory by rasing her with simply trust and love. Which although it may sound very 'spiritually noble', feels scary when I have moments of self doubt. Because now my doubt no longer is exclusive to my life experience, it also is directly connected to Igor's and even more so Iomi's. As love grow so does fear. I realise that the more I keep going on this 'yoga trail' the more of these more vertigo inducing kinds of pains will show up. The more space and content will appear between my two opposing personality traits. It's good I have planted my flexible roots in Yoga. Like someone once said: 'Yoga binds, heals, resolves to struggle between the opposites. Allows me to let go and let God for a bit.' .

I will probably never go back to Sweden, unless I one day really feel like living there because it feels exciting, but not as a mere escape to safety, I respect the country too much for that. I will keep following love and trust wherever it takes us. It seems that here is where the real adventure of life lies.

 

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