Writings

My marriage part 3


That' travelling together for a while' has taken us here and we have now we spent the last 14 years almost literally 24/7 together. We are eachothers everything so to the extent that our whole existence would crumble if we separated.
We are seriously leaning on the other, we have placed all our eggs in each others baskets and for someone whose epitaph once was Fiercely Independent, that has naturally presented many challenges and involved facing a lot of fear. What I am constantly learning though, is that marriage or that kind of commitment is one of the highest, albeit most difficult practices. To be completely open with another, in sickness and in health and bad morning breath. To communicate honestly with eachother even when it makes you look 'ugly bitter and bad'. Daring to take risks, climbing out on the proverbial limb together, humbly ask for forgiveness when you have been hurtful, keep looking for new routes to intimacy but mainly, to take 100% responsibility for your shit for your end of the bargain. Challenging, scary and a difficult practice indeed.
So how do we relate it to Yoga? How do we practice? Well, it all lies in your 100%. taking complete responsibility for yourself and your feelings. To never use blame and critizism as an excuse to feel bad. Using your practice to investigate what goes on in you at the moment of impact, of conflict. Steer your way through the hurt, disappointment, sadness, anger, resentment by invoking all your yoga tools, relaxing the belly and jaw, give attention to and if needed calm down the breath, open to what is going on. Ask your partner in conflict for a little time out, a pause and let time coupled with your intention to move towards more spaciousness around the sensation/emotion do it's magic. Stay present, don't escape, move towards your feelings, move towards them with kindness, as if you were a mother soothing a very small baby knowing the fragility of what you are responsible for. And get to know yourself there. Maybe lie down, have a walk, a run, stretch a bit. Keep exercising kindness, friendliness towards what is happening and claim full ownership of the situation. Then when you feel like you can express yourself, be honest. Inform of what is going on, that you feel hurt, that you feel insecure and angry. That you feel like hitting the other with a baseball bat. Express yourself honestly and be fully aware of what your intention is. I have had hundreds of conflicts where I have expressed the 'right' words while hosting a world of resentment inside, it doesn't reach. We're more intelligent than that, what we read is the intention behind and that is what we will truly believe, what we will truly respond to.
Most of the time that instant clarity scenario doesn't happen with me and Igor, we rage and storm like the two drama queens we are, but these days we come much quicker to our senses. We both understand that both a bit of this and a bit of that got in the way, that both of us contributed in our own habitual way to create this diversion, that our commitment to Yoga and our commitment to each other is the same. Now, ours is an almost ideal situation, both being on the same page and working towards the same version of Freedom and Love and like I said, I know I am truly blessed in living it, but the movement towards that kind of honest open clarity is available to everyone. Our lives consists of relationships, so even if you don't have a life partner. Your family, your government, your waiter, your boss, your bad hair, your skills, your uterus. You have a relationship to every thing and every one They're all part players in your life. Creation destruction, yin and yang, good and bad, all coexisting right here and now and by simply being alive we are in an inevitable partnership with all of it. To fully recognize and accept the existence of the extremes as they present themselves in you, your partner and in your world, and to unite them with friendliness is a highly intelligent and very practical use of this fine Life art that is Yoga.

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