Writings

Sex-To do it or not to do it


Today we'll return to the topic of sex, this time from the standpoint of youth.
Sex-To do it or not to do it
One of the nice things about having this job is that I get to relate to people of all ages, and since my role is that of a teacher I am sometimes asked to give advice on all kinds of matters, and I recently got a question from a young girl that I met in a teaching context who wanted my view on sex, whether to have it or not. I remember that as the most important burning topic of my youth and want to share the conversation here since it is relevant not just for young folks, but for pretty much anyone who is trying to reconcile a burning libido with a tender fragile heart...
So here's our conversation. Have to say I feel so proud to be entrusted with giving advice to youngsters, remember when I was growing up, the last thing I would do was ask an adults POV in these matters, so to be given that trust is truly an honour!

'I met a boy. We have been on a few dates and he's really sweet and funny. Last week we met again at his house and towards the end we (finally!) kissed. But just before I left, he said he isn't a 'relation type' and just wants to have fun.
This made me think about what you said about remembering to have fun because the right person will come when I’m ready. I’m not saying I would stay with him purely for ‘the fun’, but the idea doesn’t put me off. There's also an obvious double standard here. He's a boy and can fuck whoever he wants, but I'm a girl and fucking him without being in a relationship makes me a slut. That’s my second issue: is it wrong for a girl to have sex just because she wants to?

I'm torn between refusing to continue seeing him and have my heart broken a little bit or just going with it and maybe have my heart broken because I get way too attached too easily but was curious about your insights about this.'


First of all I understand your dilemma. You probably feel as thirsty for love and affection like the rest of us and a cute guy enters the picture so...

I will tell you what I would have done when I was your age. I would have gone ahead and had sex with the guy and sort of hope/pray that he would magically change his mind and fall desperately in love with me.
From my current standing, if I was single, I would never engage with someone who from the offset advertises a reluctancy to commit beyond the bedroom door.
Between where I am now and where I was then, there are many years, many hurtful experiences and a long learning curve.

The thing with wisdom is that it comes from experiential knowledge, so a certain degree of suffering will inevitably be necessary in order for us to learn, since real learning mainly comes from going through stuff, some good, some less good...so, I think to experience different degrees of relationships is useful, but, I can tell you from this side of youth that what makes a real difference is honesty, to oneself and to those you are looking to relate to.
Now this guy has been honest with you, he's told you he is not interested in a relationship. so, just be honest with him, tell him your doubts and dilemma. Say you are interested in the offer, but that you are apprehensive about going ahead and getting hurt in the process. Be honest with yourself and look at the real reasons which makes the deal interesting, perhaps you are just looking to have sex, move in to the world of complicated relationships, because sex complicates, as you already know and have a bit of fun. Or, perhaps you are really looking to fall in love, have a real teen romance, that probably will evaporate, but still stand out as a memory to cherish. If you come to the conclusion that you are just looking to enrichen your diary and want to have a bit of fun, then the move towards him and sex will be aligned with that intention and you don't risk falling in to a cesspool of selfpity when it ends (if it ends). If you want love, then hold out for that, don't sell yourself short, you are much too precious for that.
Above all, be honest when communicating to this guy, it's a truly liberating experience to say what is really on your mind and it avoids complications and misunderstandings. I know that takes a bit of courage, but I think you are up for it.

Regarding the opinion of others, well, honesty works there as well. Whoever asks you, just tell the truth. And those that talk shit behind your back, fuck 'em. Don't shape your life around the expectation and opinion of others, handle everything with honesty, and try not to hurt yourself and others in the process, but don't give in to popular opinion just because it's popular, you have to draw your own conclusions in this life.

Be true to yourself, and keep the ongoing investigation of what that means open, and remember that love is best invited by giving it. To yourself, to others.

 

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